Before you start reading, here's Twiglet, if she doesn't make your day better I don't know if I have any other suggestions other than laughing at my misfortune!
This story isn’t the longest but it does however have all the hallmarks of an unforgettably bad day.
It involves a lady called Keith, me stepping in human s**t, almost breaking my leg and then having to guard the excrement like a disgraced police officer.
I think we can all agree that this is less than ideal...
It is 100% true – which is frankly unbelievable but still it makes me smile!
The story begins like many others, it’s a normal day. Working in a department store is an exercise in repetition. The first 2 to 3 hours are always the busiest with setups, floor moves, replenishment, briefings and general activity before the store opens at 10am.
Mornings usually pass quite quickly and this is like no other; however a number of specific requests had me running to the basements back and forth like a ginger yo-yo so much so I developed quite the slingshot technique on taking the stairs where I pivoted on the door frame and took 3 steps at a reckless but enjoyable pace.
Finally by Midday I get some respite and go for lunch – I’m expecting to find my colleague Keith on the shop floor when I return but she is not there and I am caught by a customer asking for a product that may well be out of stock.
"Don't worry, i'll check the store room just in case"
Off to the basement again, pacing quickly to the door which is hidden behind a mirror.
Flash my security pass and the door beeps, the stairs immediately start the other side of the door. I grab the door frame and slingshot myself with record speed. I hit the first step and as I look down to take the next three I am greeted by a formidable but perfectly shaped, Mr Whippy-esque turd on the 3rd step. A perfectly balled Kleenex next to it…
If it were not for the white relief of the tissue against the dimly lit nature of the staircase I would have ended up, smearing the offending deposit down the stairs and myself, and probably found myself in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the steps looking like the crumpled Kleenex.
As it turns out I managed to dodge most of it, best as I recall I catch the edge of it but in doing so I almost dislocate my knee;
Again, less than ideal…
Thankfully I hadn’t
I then take a moment and shout out loud, even though I’m on my own
“Is that a s**t on the step”
There no beat between the words leaving my mouth, I hear a disembodied voice shout,
“YES! Andrew it’s a POO!!”
Nothing will make you feel like laughing and crying simultaneously as hearing a Philippino lady called Keith, shouting “Yes it is a Poo” out of the darkness of a basement in a mildly hysterical voice whilst trying to explain to a Peruvian cleaner in loud sign language that there is a human poo on the 3 step of a private/staff only staircase in Fortnum and Mason.
I stood at the door for 15 minutes with human excrement on me and just had to smile and wish people a pleasant afternoon, nothing could be further from the truth.
Just an average Wednesday… never to be forgotten!
It’s natural to have more questions after this story, so here are FAQ’s for this story over the years;
1. No, it wasn’t a team member.
2. Yes, I did throw the shoes away.
3. Yes, her name is Keith and she’s awesome.
4. No, I don’t think I have too many poo stories
5. Yes, there are still more
6. No, I didn’t slip in it just clipped it. I promise!
Feel free to ask more questions when we next see each other!
Love
Goose
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