Am I OK? Well, No and Yes – it really does depend…
I have carried this poem in my wallet for 3 years. It is my mantra; I recite to myself and I use it when I feel myself struggling to cope with excessively stressful situations.
3 years ago, in May 2017 - I took 4 weeks off from work and almost everything life related because after 6 months of intense work and personal life pressures I was physically and emotionally broken.
I was suffering from panic attacks, I wasn’t sleeping properly and I had so much anxiety that at times I would cry and not want to leave the house.
It was a mixture of my personal circumstances, uncontrolled decent into work pressure and the worry about a not inconsiderable amount of debt that was getting to a point where I could no longer cope.
I trudged into Central London to give my manager a doctors certificate and to explain the situation; to my eternal gratitude she didn’t ask for an explanation or try to talk to me about my problems.
She put it simply: “It’s ok to not be ok and everyone has times like this, take the time off you need and we can talk when or if you come back”
This all becomes relevant now because the past 12 months have been some my hardest and I have relied upon this poem a great deal. The emotional pendulum has swung from highs to lows. I have had to deal with loss, lack of self-worth, anger, shame and grief in a short space of time and not to mention, you know, the global pandemic for good measure…
BUT I have learnt in the 3 years since my time off with mental health issues; There is nothing to fear admitting you need or needed help and that it’s not the treatment of the issues per-se that bring about the change, it’s the journey you take…
“Success is a journey, not a destination. The doing is often more important than the outcome” Arthur Ashe
I can summarise the last 12 months, in this nifty, if not macabre timeline…
June 2019 - My wife gave birth to our son; #BestDayofMyLife
Sept 2019 - We found out my father had terminal cancer
Oct 2019 - We as a family celebrated my parents 40th Wedding Anniversary
Oct 2019 - I was fired from my job
Nov 2019 - I found out my grandmother had terminal cancer
Feb 2020 - The global hospitality industry imploded and my means for employment disappeared overnight
Mar 2020 - We went into 100+ days of lockdown
Mar 2020 - My grandmother died
June 2020 - My son turned 1…
June 2020 - My father died…
People ask me if, “I’m ok?”
“Well, I’m not but that’s ok, I don’t think I’m supposed to be…”
If I’m being honest, I like answering that I’m not ok. It makes people uncomfortable at times but also it is a level of honesty I need with myself and that’s a good thing.
Whilst struggling to wrangle the ideas I had in my head, I sat and read in Invictus for inspiration and it was in the midst of a sleep-deprived evening of child care; this article fell into place.
I have no words of wisdom for you (would you want them, if I did?) but I’m going to talk about my Dad, my Family and Me. I read this poem at my Paternal Grandmother’s funeral and most recently I read it at my Father’s funeral. This poem is important to me, it provides comfort, helps me to calm the harder impulses of my brain and relieves my anxieties.
And if by serendipity – I find ‘Art imitating Life’ or vice-versa. The first lines of Invictus falls into place…
Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul.
I will not be the first person who will have experienced loss in this current world and sadly I won’t be the last. This is not a piece of writing designed to show how amazing I am, if anything, it is a blog that I hope will help any of you out there struggling. Know that I feel these things and if you want to talk or want to reach out, you can.
OR
If you just want to read and know that I am working my way through the mire of emotions and loss, be sure that I am confident of my process and the lessons learned in these past years.
I’m just unsure of how much help I will need along the way…
My father was an incredible man – his ability to provide advice was unparalleled, his laugh was infectious (not the best term to use currently, apologies), his love of family was his primary life goal, his secondary life goal was wine! He rarely over-indulged but he enjoyed the story-telling that a lovely bottle of wine provided. Nothing was more Martin, than sitting round his table with his family, talking about his wine. Except maybe his love of Field Sports and the freedom he found in the great outdoors be it fishing, shooting, deer stalking or just walking with the dog.
Dad always had a positive word and good advice for me on all aspects of my life – work, parenting, wine, cooking, debating, writing – he always thought I was great (typical parent) and talented (even more typical parent) but he always believed that we could learn something and be better the next time we did anything in life. His work ethic makes me feel a little inadequate when I look back on how successful he was and I wonder if I will ever live up to the esteem I hold him in.
I will however not dwell on the self-consciousness because he would be the first person to utter the following advice about self-deprecation,
“Son, if you don’t blow your own trumpet, No One Else Will…” – I apologise for the image I have forced into your heads…
Both of my parents have been incredibly supportive of this writing format, always ready to read a draft, give feedback and just tell me what they think. I know my mother’s grief will continue long after mine has eased. She has lost her best friend, her soul mate and her counter point in this world.
I see a strength and fortitude in her that Dad always admired and I think it was one of many terrific personality traits that made him fall in love with her over 40 years ago. She cared for him single handed from the moment he was released from hospital for the final time. She was with him at the end and that image of their enduring love will stick with me forever.
Dad would appreciate these words because he was an old-fashioned soul and saw my blogs as the modern version of letter writing to a newspaper. He always thought a letter was the best way of conveying your thoughts, as it is purposeful, it is methodical and it helps to organise your mind regardless of whether you publish it on the Internet or not…
I mention all of these things because I want you as readers to know that emotionally I am in a tough place but I have through years of application to my mental health found ways in which I can cope, process them and meet my feelings without allowing them to better me, as they once did.
We come quite neatly to Verse Two; whilst I have personally cried aloud a lot recently, it’s the language I’m struck with and the refusal to give up on one’s self, even when it seems the world is set against you…
In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under the bludgeonings of chance My head is bloody, but unbowed
When I first started writing this a month ago I was going to give a full list of all things I have been doing to try and keep my mind and body healthy, every way I tried to write it or structure it; it came across as preachy and I am still not anywhere near over any of my significant issues, so why would I give out any advice!
So, here’s what I’m going to say instead;
I am angry - my world has been robbed of 2 people who I care for deeply. I have covered my grandma’s death in a separate blog, feel free to take a look at your own time...
My father’s death has taken a source of so much valuable advice and love from me, and in many ways, I struggle with the concept of not being able to talk to him. Right now, in the next period of my life I could really do with his sagely words as I embark on potentially opening my own business as well as raising a family, trying to understand my place in the world and drinking more wine. All things for me I could do with having my old man as a sounding board for – fortunately I have my family & friends to fill this enormous void.
I am eternally grateful for the family I have, as this experience has brought us all closer, especially my Mum, my Wife, my Brother & my Sister-in-Law. With almost daily conversations that have helped to bring me back from an emotional edge or two. Without that level of support from them this whole experience would be a different kettle of fish (food pun intended).
In the short-term I worry about the normal things that most people do, earning a living is one of those issues I am coming to grips with currently. My industry (hospitality) is one which, other than music/events venues, has been entirely decimated by COVID-19 - I am still unsure of where to put my energies next…
Again, I could really do with my Dad’s advice….
Clumsily, we stumble into verse three; where I hear, his voice reading this to me. He knows who I am as a person. He trusts I will eventually overcome all of these circumstances, regardless of how dark it may feel for me currently.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears Looms but the Horror of the shade, And yet the menace of the years Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
I am certain I will make a success of my life; regardless of Dad’s life cruelly being cut short. In my mind now, I cannot help but think anything less than hard work and honest application to my goals is unacceptable because that is what he would want from me.
It may feel like a lot of pressure to put oneself under but to paraphrase Caroline Buchanan –
...“Diamonds can only be made under pressure”...
Whilst pressure to succeed is invaluable, I am making time for healing and I am speaking to a counsellor because I know I will need to address my grief and loss in a practical and responsible way. Ignoring such a set of monumental events would be foolhardy and ultimately lead to my own emotional failures further down the line.
I’m ok with the idea of failure as long as I give every ounce (gram if you're European...sic) of effort in attempting whatever it is I do with my life, I can do no more than that…
I had a telephone consultation with a bereavement specialist 3 weeks ago (made through my father’s hospice) and had my first step ‘Assessment’ 2 weeks ago. I found myself getting more emotional than I thought I would on the phone whilst making our introductions and discussing all the levels of loss I have experienced in the last year. My counsellor seems nice and has been clear on how we will progress on from next week, I will have a single person contact that I will talk with once a week.
It feels safe and comforting to know I have an outlet for my own grief – I guess with the death of my grandmother compounded into Dad’s death I have some feelings to manage and some things I will need help processing. Not to mention all the other shit that has gone on…
We come quite neatly to verse four, my favourite part of this poem and by the time I get to reading this, I already feel myself relaxing and feeling more positive; irrespective of how hard things may be at that particular moment in time. I find the last 2 lines profoundly comforting and invigorating;
It matters not how strait the gate, How charged with punishments the scroll, I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.
I choose to believe in myself and that confidence is something I work hard to direct into my day to day life. As I forge ahead with building a life for my family, I am going to struggle not having that anchor point of my Dad to guide me or my Grandmother to soothe my ruffled feathers.
Fortunately, I am surrounded by people who care for me; I have many wonderful people to focus upon and could not be more grateful for all the calls, texts, letters, emojis and memes. I will never forget the kindnesses you have visited upon me.
A message directed at you the reader:
I wanted to write this to let you know (whoever you are) what I am doing to feel better and how I am trying to regain control of my world as I see it. If this article helps you find a way through your own struggles I would class it as a success.
Know that I am not perfect and never will be; you have to trust in yourself, trust the mental health professionals you make use of and know that you can not only be happy again but thrive too, it just may take some time.
All my love
Goose