Remembering Nana
I have been procrastinating over writing this blog for almost a week now, mainly because it’s not been easy to come to terms with the death of my grandmother, with it having had a profound effect on me.
She was my last surviving grandparent and arguably the one whom I have been closest too for the longest time in my life. I have very particular memories of all of my grandparents and they were all and individually wonderful role models, not to mention exceptional fun to be around. I think this is the most important factor in a good “Nana or Grandpa”…
Just fun enough to think you’re not with your parents but wise enough to know you’re not getting away with anything!
I miss her terribly – both she and my Gramps moved to Birmingham to be nearer to my parents in 2006, they lived an exact 11-minute walk from my parents and regardless of the day, when I would visit my parents I would visit them and then after the death of my Gramps, I would make even more effort to see her on every visit.
She was of a stalwart generation that, would refuse to give up or show quarter; regardless of their personal circumstances…My gramps dies in 2012, they had been married 66 years by that point and she continued on, as only she knew, like the little Cumbrian dynamo she was in true ‘Greatest Generation’ style.
We did not lose her to COVID-19 – it took a triple threat of Cancer, Shingles & Suspected Cardiac Issues to finally call time on a 96 year life. To use a well-worn analogy; I have enjoyed playing cricket for a long time, I have never scored more than 2 half-centuries in my life, let alone got within spitting distance of a century. 96 is an incredible innings, one which I will be impressed with forever.
I am glad she will not be a part of what I simply see as a rather macabre and almost fetishistic tally of people who have succumbed to this virus, I have in the last week turned off all NEWS notifications on my phone because I cannot wake up to my iPhone saying
“Coronavirus news you may have missed overnight”
I have missed nothing; I am hyper aware and in full acknowledgement of how horrible life is right now, thank you very much.
NO – what I want to talk about is how our current situation has highlighted how important relationships really are for us, especially those we have with Grandparents. I have a 10 month old boy for whom the world is very simple but even he is starting to recognise his predicament in small ways, when we leave the house he does not stop waving at anyone he sees because the only 2 people he interacts with on a personal basis are his Mum and Dad and we are starting to become boring.
Hopefully by the time Rufus turns 1, he will be able to see his grandparents. A wonderful collection of eccentrics, artists, wine lovers, intellectuals, florist, nurse, horticulturalist, an accountant and a surveyor. This is a lot of talent crammed into 4 people – they are wonderful and I can’t wait for the kind of experiences I enjoyed with my grandparents for them, with Rufus.
Some of my most favourite memories growing up are from holidays spent with Nana. This is all the explanation I feel like giving, she was very comfortable with the kind of person I was, especially when I used to be labelled “A Handful” – she would never have anything but glowing reviews of my behaviour and attitude (Sounds like an end of year report, really?). I don’t think I ever adjusted myself being around her but I always felt like I was free to be me and she just rolled with it, just like it was no big deal.
We did, quite fortuitously, before all of this Pandemonium (I think this could be as close to "LITERALLY" the correct use of this word as possible right now) spend a weekend together which meant the world to me and I have the most wonderful photo of her with Rufus that I will cherish forever.
I want to convey in this blog just how critical my relationship with her was for me as a person. Without seeming overtly dramatic I think people can unintentionally devalue the Grandparent/Grandchild relationship by focusing on purely the age of the Grandparent when they depart this physical world. For some, I include myself in this statement, a grandparent is as valued or as special as the best of friends you make in this world.
I think she played a huge part in me feeling comfortable in following my culinary and hospitality ambitions, she was very proud of all the things I have achieved personally & professionally and she loved it when I cooked for her.
She was incredibly special and I still find myself contemplating what she is up to, then reality bites because she has passed away. Due to the current restrictions, we have not been able to mourn her in the way that is so befitting such a lady. I have not been able to hug my mother (her mum, is Nana) I have not been able to hug my only Aunt, my mother’s sister for whom my love is as deep as my love for my Nana – nor my Father, my Brother, my Uncle or my Cousins: all of whom have been lucky enough to be related to such a wonderful person.
Grief is an awful emotion to have to deal with, and in isolation it is simply compounded because you are robbed of the cathartic nature of a human touch, a proper funeral and a family gathering by which to share the grief in an attempt to move through its awful clutches. I am not sure how to process the loss personally, because until I can go to a funeral I feel a little lost.
In a fundamental way, I miss the human connection of a hug – especially when it is so desperately needed by my closest family at this time…The separation seems to have in many ways, amplified only the worst elements of life but in honour of her, I am not letting it get the better of me, I will process her death in my own way but I am sure she would approve of the way in which I am conducting myself and trying to make the most of the circumstances.
I had a little talk to camera after filming a video last week – I have entitled it; “Remembering Nana”. Know that it is hard to share publicly but important to stand as a Eulogy / Message of Remembrance for a truly wonderful lady.
Stay Home, Be Safe & Love Each Other…
All the best
Goose